This is driving me crazy. I know I shouldn't even put any more stock in this guy; it was already mildly inappropriate from the start, but I can't shake my curiosity. And when I'm honest with myself, it's more than curiosity, it's the quiet idea that he could be a regular, ritualized lover that I talk to and trust, like j does with Kelley. The fact that he hasn't contacted me since this whole torrid thing began, has me questioning if I am seeing this whole thing through MY rose-colored glasses (which are quite rosy and joyful). I can't contact him again, because I'm bordering on becoming a lame stalker, so I just have to chill. Chilling means there are two outcomes:

1. He'll call when he realizes that I've stopped pursuing; or,
2. He'll be relieved when I've stopped pursuing and that'll be the end of this whole thing.

I really don't want it to be the end. I want him to call. I want to see him again, even if it's totally platonic. I want a second chance to see where we were headed. The worst part is I can only obsess here, because j thinks the nature of my working relationship with this guy is inappropriate at best and dangerous at worst. But I have to know! We hadn't touched yet! His hand was floating just above my hips, ready to take that chance and pull me to him, and I could feel the heat of his hand, for fuck's sake. Our faces were close enough to lean, just slightly, and connect. I needed 30 seconds more, that's all.

Now I'll be forever wondering if like in the Little Mermaid, all he needed to do was to "kiss the girl". Now the magic is gone. fuck.